Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
