Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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