Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
