I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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