My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
