What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
