Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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