I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
