I'm going to jail i love you
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
