We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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