I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
