Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
