FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
