I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
