2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Plan B is the new Plan A
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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