I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I intend to get homeless drunk
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
