It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
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Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
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You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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