I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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