im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
