M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
