Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
