Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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