Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
