Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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