she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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