She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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