my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
