You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
