My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
