i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
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i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
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so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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