why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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