the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?