Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives