i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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