There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
