is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
