Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
