Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
