my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
