I can't watch pbs sober anymore
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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