I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
