You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
