You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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