Umm I'm too high to move.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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