quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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