I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
