Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
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We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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