Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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