I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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