Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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