Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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