I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
