sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
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Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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