I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
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Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.