was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me