watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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