garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
It's Friday. Sex?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
