My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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