I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
