non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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